Pass the Matches, Please

My GF and I have been together for three and a half years. I don’t recall when the official moment came when we were comfortable enough to fart around each other. But I can say without a doubt that this is most certainly the moment when you know you are in the comfort zone. Not only do we fart around each other, but we have fart arguments. The other night after dinner we settled into our routine of flipping through the DVR recordings to catch up on our shows. We must’ve had some reaaaally starchy food for dinner. I started it. “PFFFFT!” Then she had to add her two cents to the conversation… ”FFFFFT…right back at you baby” But I wasn’t done yet. “RIIIPPP…oh! There’s a kiss for you sweetie!” Then not to be outdone, her face turning red, eyes popping out, “WOMMMPPP!” “Okay, I’ve got nothing. You win. Damn! You always get the last word! Not fair!”

And then this morning there was this conversation:

Me: “Damn I didn’t sleep for shyt last night.”

GF: “Me either. Somebody ripped one in their sleep. It was bad. It woke me up.”

Me: “Coulda been the dog.”

GF: “Coulda been then cat.”

Me: “I vote dog.”

GF: “Grrrr”

Bless her heart. She really does love me.

I See Copulating People

Some people see Jesus when they look at clouds, french toast, or fire. I see people doing it.

Sometimes it seems like all I can think about is sex. While reading, if I see a word that remotely resembles something of the human reproductive system, my mind automatically sees it as that word.  For example: Virginia = Vagina; penal = penile/penis; beast = breast. It makes it very difficult to comprehend and retain anything, so I have to go back over it a few times, which is counter-productive.

Or I’ll hear a song and it sounds like something completely different than what they are singing. I think they slip in subliminal messages that make you think of sex and you relate that song to pleasure so in turn you go out and by it or download it! Like the song by Mario “You Should Let Me Love You” (already a VERY SEXY song) whenever he says “make me your selection” I always hear “make me an erection” or Avril Lavine’s “Things I’ll Never Say” … the part where she says “I wanna see you go down on one knee” I SWEAR it sounds like she is saying “I wanna see you go down on me.”

Or I see a picture of some buildings and it looks like a gigantic penis and balls. I was downtown in Dallas one afternoon and I snapped this picture:

And then this shot of my fireplace last winter: 

This was not planned, I swear!

Does anyone else have this problem? Is it a problem? Maybe I’m just twisted.

Own Your Life

Moving to a small town and being limited on entertainment has made me think seriously about how I want my life to be. Sometimes it can be painful when you know you need to make some adjustments in your life (and to yourself) but you don’t know where to begin. I received my annual performance review from my manager a few months back. I have been working for the same employer for over ten years and I usually get a high rating. Not this time. At first I was confused. I hadn’t done anything different than the previous year yet I received a lower rating. Exactly…I hadn’t done anything different! I hadn’t improved. At first I denied any responsibility for my situation. I blamed the economy. I blamed the president. I blamed the dog. The five stages of grief can apply to any situation where your life takes an unexpected turn, and this was one of those moments for me.

That experience compelled me to reevaluate myself and my life. I read everything I could get my hands on about self improvement. I asked myself these questions:  What do I have to offer? What do I want to do? What can I do here, now? I visualized my future self. I set realistic, specific goals, and I created a solid plan aimed at improving myself and my situation. My personal development plan serves as a roadmap to navigate the ever-changing landscape of life. I won’t go into the details of the plan, but basically, it includes identifying obstacles I must overcome and objectives I must meet to achieve a mixture of personal, financial, and professional goals.

Here is a list of some of the tools I used along the path and hope you will find them helpful:

 Books:

• The Dark Side of the Light Chasers: Reclaiming Your Power, Creativity, Brilliance, and Dreams by Debbie Ford
• Reinventing Yourself: How to Become the Person You’ve Always Wanted to Be by Steve Chandler
• Personal Development for Life & Work by Harold R. Wallace and L. Ann Masters

 Websites:

• Steve Pavlina: Personal Development for Smart People: http://www.stevepavlina.com/
• Debbie Ford: Transform Your Life Today: http://debbieford.com/

It has been over six months since I embarked on this journey toward an improved existence. I have come to the understanding that personal development is something that is an ongoing part of my life. A personal development plan is not static, but rather a living, breathing guide which will change and grow over time. By sharing this, I hope that someone else will gain from my experience and spark a revolution within oneself to improve. Your life is yours. It’s up to you to make it the best one possible!

Recognizing Sexual Minorities As a Protected Class

 Managing the many different types of people in a single work environment can be challenging. Aside from cultural differences, the diverse subsets such as age, gender, race, and sexual orientation present unique concerns. Many organizations have clearly defined policies for discrimination based on race, religion, gender, age, and disability status. However, sexual orientation is not fully recognized as a protected class in the United States. While an employer cannot discriminate based on race, color, religion, sex, or national origin, no legislation currently exists on a federal level which protects gay, lesbian, and bisexual (GLB) employees from discrimination.

In an article from The Society of Industrial and Organizational Psychology, Inc. entitled Sexual Minorities in the Workplace: The Status of Legal and Organizational Protection; by Charlie L. Law and Elicia A. Hrabal of Penn State Schuylkill, the authors discuss efforts being made to protect the civil rights of gays, lesbians, bisexual, and transgendered employees (GLBT) both at an organizational level and through congressional and state legislation.

Although no federal legislation exists, a few bills have been introduced to Congress which would, if passed, offer protection for the GLBT workforce. The Employment Nondiscrimination Act (ENDA) would prohibit employers from discrimination based on sexual orientation, much like Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 protects against discrimination based on age, race, color, religion, sex, or national origin. Introduced in 1994 and revised in 2007, ENDA is still on the table.

Another bill was introduced in 2009 which would allow an employee to take up to twelve weeks of unpaid leave to take care of their partner without fear of losing their job. The Family and Medical Leave Inclusion Act is similar to the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993, except it includes sexual minorities.

The Domestic Partnership Benefits and Obligations Act, introduced in 2009, would extend health insurance and retirement savings to family members in a same-sex partnership. Since same-sex partners are not recognized as legally married, an affidavit would be required to validate their commitment to one another’s well-being.

Finally, the impending repeal of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy via the Military Readiness Enhancement Act, is yet another attempt to free sexual minorities of discrimination in the workplace. This bill would directly prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation in the U.S. Military.

Many states have recently introduced legislation aimed to prohibit discrimination in the workplace based on sexual orientation and gender identity, while other states already offer protection. Among them are California, Colorado, Illinois, Iowa, Maine, Minnesota, New Jersey, New Mexico, Oregon, Rhode Island, Vermont, Washington, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Maryland, Massachusetts, Nevada, New Hampshire, New York, and Wisconsin. However, there are many states that do not offer such protection.

Protection at the organizational level has increased over the past ten years. About 85% of Fortune 500 companies and 94 Fortune 100 companies have adopted non-discrimination policies which include protection for sexual minorities. Many of these businesses also offer same-sex partner benefits as well.

As an organization grows and changes, it is necessary to consistently evaluate behaviors and apply appropriate measures to maintain a balanced, healthy workplace. Managers can lead this effort by recognizing individuals’ unique qualities and contributions, instead of pointing out their differences. Whether a person is of a different race, or practices a “different” religion, or has a partner of the same sex, it is important to be accepted in the workplace. Acceptance by one’s managers and peers positively influences one’s self-esteem, creativity, productivity, and motivation. All of these behaviors help mold and shape the workplace into a successful organization.

Live Like it’s Friday

Fridays are sacred. As the morning sunlight peeks through the edges of the curtain, a sense of hope and excitement fills the room. Even though I know the alarm will soon interrupt this serene moment, I lay there, still. With my dog on one side and my girlfriend on the other…I can’t move. So I’m left to think of all the wonderful opportunities this day will bring. Will I win the lottery? Or…Will I go to work and my boss tells me, “You work too hard. Take the day off.” Or…Will the world finally be at peace?

Have you ever heard that song “Live like you’re dying?” Why? That’s just sad. Live like it’s Friday instead. At least that way, you can look forward to what? Another Friday! Not death. Ick. Not that I’m afraid of dying. But c’mon. It’s not necessarily an Endorphyn-inducing topic. Friday is a much better topic. There is even a restaurant named after it yum!  If you like steak, check out their Jack Daniel’s^® Flat Iron . There are also movies, songs, and websites dedicated to this day too.

There are some really good movies opening in the theaters today. And if you’re not into movies, check out other events in your area. Whether you want to sit back and chill out with friends over dinner and drinks, or relax in one of those cushy theater seats and shove endless handfuls of buttery popcorn into your face, Friday is your day. Wow, I sound like a cheesy encyclopedia salesman. I’ll calm down now. I can’t help it. I love Friday! I have trouble staying focused on Fridays. And today is no different. My attention span is

The “C” Word

I hate to cook. I would rather eat an entire 13 ounce bag of tortilla chips and spend an hour on the treadmill the next day than to cook. Tostitos are nutritious, right? It says, “Naturally made of whole grains” right on the bag. Isn’t that like eating cereal without the sugar? Just sayin. Dip ‘em in some Pace Picante sauce and pop open a cold Miller Lite and you have an entire meal! You got your grains, veggies, and protein. Okay maybe beer doesn’t have protein. But it makes me strong and brave. And the cleanup is minimal. Then after dinner, you can have some Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream for dessert. There – now you have your dairy. While we’re on the subject of nutrition, I read somewhere once that having a couple of beers everyday is beneficial. I don’t remember how, exactly, but the important thing here is that I remembered reading it…and they say beer causes memory loss…HA!

Back to cooking though. I’ve tried to cook. It always ends badly. Even when I make macaroni and cheese, the noodles turn out too soggy. I need to stick to the microwave. It has a timer. I could make a boat out of all those empty styrofoam Maruchan cups. But I’m too lazy. And I could probably build an entire housing development for the homeless with all of the empty cardboard boxes of Honey Bunches of Oats I have thrown away. On a positive note, I’ve had the same dishes for over ten years – except my favorite plastic cups that I got at Wet Willies on Miami Beach a few years ago. Hey – don’t judge. They aren’t breakable, and if I leave them somewhere, I didn’t pay anything for them, right? (Only the $8.50 drinks that were in them)

Now grillin’ is a different story. Give me real flames and some tongs and I can whip up some stuff. Just don’t ask me to cook inside. I might burn the place down. Shrimp skewers, corn on the cob, steak, fish, chicken, veggies…all much better grilled over an open flame. Okay all this talk about food is making me hungry. Decisions…Decisions…PB&J or the rest of my GF’s Vanilla Wafers?

Broken Record

You know how you hear a song or just a few notes from a song and it stays in your head for days…weeks? Well, that’s what’s going on with me right now. I won’t say what song it is because that would reinforce its power over me. Not only do I have a very stupid song stuck in my head, but I’ve managed to come up with four different versions of it! Someone will ask me a question and I’ll recite a phrase from that damn song. Or out of nowhere, I’ll blurt out the phonetic “beatbox” imitation of it… “nee-ner-ba-ba-sht-kshhhh!” Dammit! It starts all over again. And it’s not enough to hear it, my mind has created its very own choreographed music video to accompany it. I’m lying there at night, and suddenly the Muppets are bobbing to and fro, shaking their heads to the beat while Miss Piggy is doing herkys. Then finally I fall into a peaceful slumber and wake up the next morning not remembering the song at all…until it comes on the radio. Great. So now I can’t even listen to the damn radio. Not that I listen to the radio much…not that I can even get a half-way decent station here in SUCRStown. It’s the principle involved. I should be able to listen to whatever I want without my brain being hijacked by a song that‘s not even a good song. It’s not even a popular song. It’s an old song. But remember, this town is about 20 years behind, so that means it was probably made in the early 90s, which wasn’t a bad era, but really, there has got to be a better selection of cassette tapes in your box to choose from. It’s like having the hiccups. Is there some kind of psychological phenomenon that causes this? Do I need to see a doctor? Oh no! What if I never get rid of that song? Oooh maybe it has some sort of subliminal meaning. I wonder what would happen if I play it backwards – would I forget it? Or maybe someone is trying to reach me from the dead? Should I go see a psychic? Maybe I just need to get out more.